The Hurting Phase

Like I said in my earlier posts, I'm not the first person you should probably go to when talking about relationships, but I'd like to think I've helped a few people here and there with their problems. I've seen amazing relationships between people and I've seen awful ones.

I've heard that being in love is one of the best feelings a human could ever experience. That being said, that would mean that a breakup would be one of the worst things a human could ever experience. I've heard it's right under the pain you feel when a loved one passes away. Your heart physically hearts, you freeze up and everything inside you feels like it's dropped to the floor. You sit there and just look straight ahead like life just shattered and every piece of it just disappeared. I can't really say I've felt this to the full extent, but it's been pretty close.

When someone breaks up with you, you wonder what you had done wrong, why they left, why they didn't want you. I felt like this for a while and sometimes I still do. I wonder what I could have done differently. But the fact of the matter is if they left you and you were giving your all while they were giving 50%, you did NOTHING wrong. You were doing everything right, actually. Obviously, they couldn't see what you had for them and to flip it, that's ok too. If you're on the side where you aren't feeling the relationship and you don't think it's right for you, PLEASE be honest and tell them. DO NOT, even if it's hard for you, keep it inside and drag the other person along with you. One of the worst things you can do is be so stand-offish that the other person has to end it with you rather than you stepping up and telling the truth. I had to go through that and it made me feel even worse than I already was feeling.

Remember to look out for red flags when you're in a relationship. What I mean by that is are they moving away when you try to kiss them? Are they often asking for time away when your relationship just started? These types of things are important to look for and talk about with your significant other because if you don't, these things will keep coming up and you'll never get an answer on what's going on in the other person's head.

When I was going through a "breakup" (I use quotations because who knows what it was, to be honest), I was truly upset. The reason I was was because I never had a real relationship before. It was all new to me and it was extremely special and the person didn't really give their all to me which made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I looked for any possible article or video describing what I went though and how to fix myself, but I couldn't find anything. All I read about and watched was about cheating, nothing about being the #2. I kind of was on my own until I came across a guy named Matthew Hussey. He's a relationship expert I found over Facebook, actually. His videos made me understand what was going on and how to move on, slow but steady. Here's a few things I've learned from him:

1) Being hurt is ok. It's the teething part of a breakup.

2) Don't look for "distractions". Look for things that will show progress like...

-Art

-The gym

-Cooking

-Writing

Something that you'll feel good about and will show you the good side of life again.

3) Just because you are hurting does not mean you should go back to that person. It's not always a sign.

4)Don't make lists of what you look for in someone. You really have no idea until they're right in front of you.

5) Getting closure is SO overrated. If they aren't talking to you, they've lost interest, which, in the long run, will be good for you because you didn't need them anyway.

6) No matter what people tell you, it is hard. Don't say it's not and don't try and fight your feelings because then you'll go numb and have no love to give in the future.

Another thing I've learned is that love is no measurement of time. It's the moments that you collect with the person you're with. There's a quote I love by Beau Taplin that goes: "A relationship should not be measured in months or years. It’s the calibre of the memories that matter. Their impact, their permanence, and the degree to which they change you. I’ve had relationships lasting years I can now scarcely recollect, and hours with others that feel like infinities". It shouldn't matter how long you've been with someone because in the end, if you fall in love with them in a week, month, year, it's all the same. Don't let someone tell you you weren't in love because it hadn't been a long enough time for themselves to fall in love.

For the longest time I never believed in love because of the relationships I've grown up with. But deep down, I know it's possible. It's so hard to believe though unless you've been in it. I just know to never lower my standards, keep myself grounded, trust myself first, see the signs, and many more things I should keep in mind before being with someone. In the end, it's just you. Love you first. Don't just settle because you're feeling alone. From the wise words of The Supremes, "love don't come easy". There's going to be a lot we go though in life with love, and yet we still live and do it despite all the bullshit we go through.

This definitely won't be my last post about relationships because there are endless things I could say, but I'd say this is a good enough start for now.

Just to throw this in here as well, if you aren't sure you want to be with someone in the beginning, either keep your distance or be friends first. Do not play someone like that. :)